my shit is your hurray

Once, long ago, in the town of Fort William, there lived an old man named Simon who was famously rich for having invented things which people never knew they needed before. Most of his inventions were used daily by people the world over. Adding machines which predict the future. Electrical mirrors with built-in compliments. A dining table which could be set on a timer. Day planners which discovered fun people for a person to do things with. Alarm clocks with massage capabilities. A motivational seminar for anxious and mentally-ill professionals, and disguise and makeup kits for when their anxiety returned. Wallets which were always open when people were ready to spend their money. A great excuse which could be used in a variety of uncomfortable situations. A collection of invisible objects which remained silent when ignored. Tools which never broke except when necessary, and music which knew when people wanted it to be heard. Mechanical books which wrote stories on their own pages, and houses which knew how to keep their walls clean. And then Simon invented another version of himself.

At first, he was not convinced that he needed another version of himself, as one had so far been sufficient for everything that he had wanted to accomplish. His inventions were loved by people around the world, and their love had in turn made him very rich. He had won most of the awards given to people of distinction, and he had been entertained by the world’s most important dignitaries. He lived in a big house with a big family, who had themselves matured to distinguished professions. His wife was noted by the most important lifestyle magazines as a deferential but trendsetting socialite.

When he met the other version of himself, Simon took the importance of his new invention for granted. Instead of filing his discovery with the patent office as was his normal procedure, the old inventor filed the new version of himself away for future consideration. The new version of Simon, however, was having none of this.

“So that’s it?” the new version of Simon asked. “You aren’t going to treat me like your other work, I guess.”

“What do you mean?”

“All of your inventions get registered and announced in the newspapers. Why am I different?”

“Until I can think of a use for you, I don’t want to bring a product to market at the wrong time. My competitors are always trying to get the upper hand.”

“But I’m obviously useful. There are two of you now. Look what one has been able to do!”

“No. The market’s not ready for you yet.”

“And that’s why you’re just sticking me in a drawer.”

“For now, yes.”

“But you haven’t even named me.”

“Actually, I have. iMe. Has a good ring to it, I think. Should be easy to market once I figure out a use for you.”

“It’s obvious what my use is!”

“No. I can’t risk tarnishing my good name and business by releasing an immature product. This company is my family namesake.”

“You can’t just forget about me in a drawer. Maybe you should ask yourself why you are suddenly so disrespectful towards your work.”

“It really is amazing. You sound just like me.”

“See! You need a Jimminy Cricket like me in your ear. Confidence! I could support your thoughts when they needed it most. I could act as a cheerleader for your ideas. Perhaps I might even come up with some of my own which will be of benefit to you as well.”

“My thoughts are cluttered enough as it is without having to trip on those of another person.”

“You mean your own.”

“Well, you must admit that you aren’t in fact me, but a distinct individual.”

“And here you are sticking me away in a dusty drawer. What was the point of inventing me?”

“Because it is my nature to have done so. But you aren’t really an invention, though, are you? I mean, I just copied myself.”

“And that’s why you think that I’m not ready for the market?”

“Essentially, yes.”

“The world is full of derivative products! What’s the harm in adding another?”

“You are not fit for market. You do not have a use which will fills anyone’s needs, ensuring a successful product launch. People will look at you and ask themselves what you are for. Other than simply being a newer version of me, I cannot provide them with an answer. The family brand will not be compromised to release what amounts to a vanity project. I am the face of this company. It boils down to one problem – how can an inventor maintain the integrity of his fame if he starts copying himself?”

“My existence is ironic. Isn’t that meaning enough to live?”

“Not if the project as a whole lacks originality. Irony doesn’t exist in a vacuum, you know."

 "It doesn't?"

  "No, my mind is made up. I need time to consider your purpose.”

And with that last statement, the old inventor sealed the new version of himself away in a drawer, and returned to his work. At the end of the day, which due to his work habits was in fact the beginning of the day for most people who didn’t spend their evenings inventing much of anything, Simon went to bed mad at himself for not having invented anything of importance except for a slightly more efficient method for washing cutlery. Dreams of future inventions filled his head until his eyes closed and his mouth opened in sleep, and Simon forgot all about the other version of himself.

As Simon slept through the day, the new version of himself got to work establishing himself in the world. He freed himself from his prison – which was not a difficult task, as he successfully guessed where he would have hidden the key were he to have hidden it, which he had in fact done just after locking himself in the drawer. The front door closed quietly behind him as the new version of Simon realised the extent of his freedom. The world was open in front of him, but the new version of Simon knew that he had to work quickly in order to finish everything before his old self found out about his escape.

The new version of Simon quickly discovered that, perhaps due to the exceptionally lovely sun-filled day, most people he met in the streets were very friendly and happy to exchange words with as famous a person as he was. Before long, a crowd had formed around him. Some of the people wanted autographs, while others wanted him to offer them answers or blessings. As he continued about his day, the new version of Simon began to do something unknown to the old one – he began to smile. Once having smiled, the new version of Simon knew that he could not stop. Having tasted the spoils of freedom, he would not be returned to the drawer in which he had been placed by his old version due to a lack of purpose.

No more laying down for me, Simon’s new version of himself thought. I’m free to live my own life.

Several days passed, and the new Simon didn’t hear from his old self, who had fully retreated into his laboratory, entirely forgetting that the newer version of himself existed. Instead of maintaining a low-profile, as was his original intention, the new version of Simon soon learned to enjoy the full extent of his namesake’s fame. As the world’s most beloved yet reclusive inventor whose company had invented many of the most novel and useful products everyone loved, he couldn’t escape recognition. And yet the old version of Simon had not made a public appearance in nearly a year, after having accepted a major international science prize for his time-saving office productivity suite which completed tasks by computing the near-infinite matrix of possibilities which would cause the task to not be completed and then doing precisely the opposite. Simon’s company had freed up so much leisure time for office workers that a new holiday had been created and was going to be celebrated in one week’s time. Fêted at banquet and nightclub alike, the new version of Simon really began to enjoy the attention that he was receiving, especially as some of it involved beautiful young women, limousine chauffers, and complimentary meals at fancy and exclusive restaurants.

After a few months of high life however, the new version of Simon began to resent his fame, as he had done nothing to earn it. The old Simon had continued to release important inventions, including a film which did not require either a beginning or an ending, and a car fuelled by the driver’s desire to reach their destination. The film was an immediate and international hit, while the car was quickly proving successful in developing countries. The new version of Simon was toasted by the city’s elite, but the accolades which he received were hollow and untrue. While he enjoyed receiving meals for free and being entertained by global celebrities, he was beginning to grow tired of having to make up answers to questions about a life which he increasingly felt did not involve him.

Despite this reservation, the new version of Simon continued to make a name for himself as a mover and a shaker in global society, while his old version toiled ceaselessly in his laboratory. Simon invented potato-less chips, a new form of interpretive dance using immobile performers and scratch-and-sniff stickers, and a television which showed yesterday and the day after tomorrow instead of today.

It was this last invention which made Simon finally remember that he had invented another version of himself several months prior. He was busy working to invent a thought-control device for his remote control when his television came on and he saw the new version of himself talking about his latest agriculture technologies with the most popular talk show host on television. He hated how natural his new version looked on television, how he flirted with the host, and how easy the many witty conversational rejoinders and jokes which constituted the interview came to his lips. He even looked fitter and younger and had nicer hair. And he hadn't even yet invented the agricultural technologies which his new version was bragging about.

Simon knew that he was looking at an imposter on television. His new version acted in a manner entirely different from the version that he had grown accustomed to, and he didn’t appreciate this change in his appearance to the public and it would have to stop. He would not invent anything for two days, but that is not what surprised him. What surprised him, in fact, was that he finally came to understand the purpose of his having invented a new version of himself. He immediately called his agent.

After having decided to embrace his fame, the old version of Simon appeared on late-night television for the first time in his life to announce his retirement from the world of invention. Sitting in the pool of a luxury Manhattan penthouse surrounded by two Hollywood actresses, a cosmetics heiress, and an international supermodel, the new version of Simon was not particularly appreciative of learning about this development. It was soon obvious to everyone in the room that his fame rested entirely on the industry of his old self. The women wrapped themselves in towels and called for rides before leaving his penthouse. This will not do, the new version of Simon thought and then sat down to learn how to invent a new version of himself who could once again invent everything that the world didn’t yet know that it needed to want.